3 1/2 Reasons for Divorce

Replies to This DISCUSSION

Permalink Reply by Charles Atkinson on April 27, 2009 at 9:35am

Well, I appreciate you reply, Debbie. I am very surprised no one else as of yet has left a comment. I had hopes that this site would be a place where we all could encourage, share, and express perspectives. I am disappointed with the activity. I was hoping for more discussion.

Now I have received advice from other sources, some of which I highly value. And I am totally at rest with what I have received; it goes along with what you said "Follow the peace." Yes, He is the source of my supply and as I seek Him, will give me the desires of my heart. While I am not in panic, at some point I will sign up and utilize the resources that are availble to me.

Thanks for your insight.

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Permalink Reply by Pamela Cook Dreyer on April 27, 2009 at 1:51pm

The purpose of iktusNETwork is ministry, not just a social network like Facebook where people say anything. I work closely with the creator of iktusNETwork. I check out everything that is posted on here to make sure that the tone and purpose of the network is maintained. Believe me when I say I read everything on this site. I have been so touched by the thought provoking blog entries that people have posted over here. Pretty much every blog post has gotten me (and more than likely others) to ponder and think about the topic. Many I have responded to in my heart. I definitely post responses only when I feel compelled to. This is why I waited so long to reply to this one. Lives are at stake. This is how I see this network. FYI

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Permalink Reply by Doug Lee on April 28, 2009 at 1:34pm

In addition to what Debbie and Pamela have said, I'd like to add a piece of information. Years ago, I read about the 80/20 rule that states that in most groups of people, 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people. You have probably seen this in church. Whenever the church puts on a special event, you see the same group of volunteers working to make it happen. I've also seen it as a ham radio operator when volunteering or organizing the volunteers for communications support of a bike tour or foot race. So, don't be disappointed by the lack of response, it's partly due to human nature.

Another factor is something that Pam pointed to. Many people on this site cannot relate to divorce, so they are reluctant to respond. The Lord has blessed them with stable marriages, and even if they have seen divorce happen to their relatives, they are still reluctant to say something unless the Holy Spirit gives them something to say.

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Permalink Reply by Pamela Cook Dreyer on April 27, 2009 at 12:29pm

Charles,

I have never married so I do not have a personal point of reference other than being unmarried and dating from time to time. I have never faced this because the only men I have dated were either never married or widowed. I have never been approached by a divorced man.

I have read your post several times. I started to write a reply a few days but stopped. It is real easy for people to throw out answers to such a difficult topic as this. As you know there are so many things that people have said about this issue that I feel do not bring anything but condemnation to those that have suffered the tragedy of divorce. To me it is almost like divorce is worse than murder in the eyes of some church people. This could be some of the hesitancy you have seen in responding to this heartfelt post. It is one thing to hurl out answers for people when you have not walking through it yourself. It is another thing to be facing the problem yourself.

This may sound really trite but I am dead serious about this. The Lord will reveal what you need to know when you are interested in dating someone. We only know in part right now about the word of God and His nature of love for us. My struggle would be the idea that divorced people are punished for their mistakes the rest of their lives when people that have repented of other sins really do not for the most part. Again I have never faced this so I have not received any revelation from the Lord about this.

As Debbie stated I would be led by peace if I considered dating someone that divorced. One reason I would lean on this is because the Bible says that when we repent that sin is forgotten. The penalty has been paid for by Christ. As far as God is concerned the sin never happened. How that is walked out in the eyes of the Lord in this situation is something that He would need to reveal. Many preachers have said that you remain unmarried (for the 1/2 reason) unless you are reconciled to that spouse. Some of these people do not give an out for those whose ex-spouses have remarried. I personally have a problem with the idea that a person has to wait until that ex-spouse dies or divorces to be reconciled. In fact there are some verses that imply that you cannot go back. To me this is a gnarly point that the Lord would have to unscramble for me.

For me my main concern would be if I felt that the person was being open and honest about why the divorce occurred. I would also want to know if the person learned their lessons from their divorce. Only the Lord can reveal that to a person considering dating a divorced person. Contrary to what some preachers think (NOT at The Prayer Center of course), the Holy Spirit will let you know what is going on with other people. This to me is definitely a time where I would trust the communication of the Holy Spirit.

I would definitely concentrate on surrendering that part of your life to the Lord. I guarantee you the peace will come. It happened for me many years ago. It is not an easy process but one that the Lord will graciously help you with. This point will prevent making mistakes in the dating/marriage arena. You will not be making any decisions under pressure, which in just about every case spells disaster.

I take marriage very seriously, especially as a never married person. I have lived long enough to know that lives can get very complicated. We can see the results of bad choices but the Lord know how and why they occurred. This is why I would try and show grace in dealing with divorce situations. Again leaning on the communication of the Holy Spirit is key for me. That is the place of peace I try and live by. It will be given in this situation as well.

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Permalink Reply by tracey stahlbrand on April 29, 2009 at 2:02am

Hi Charles,
Where does the bible refer to the 3 1/2 reasons for divorce excused by God?
I dont know much about this so I would like to educate myself.

Godbless

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Permalink Reply by Charles Atkinson on April 29, 2009 at 10:42am

First, I think more than being right - or at least not being afraid to be wrong, it is important to ask questions. Often, Jesus would ask questions to seek a response from those who heard him; if he could get a reply/response at all, it indicated to him that they were open to discuss what he wanted to share with them. Pastor Dave has said many times that being teachable - being humble - being like a little child is one valuable aspect of entering into all the kingdom has to offer. That’s why I like to encourage discussion.

Secondly, the 3 ½ reasons for divorce & the scripture references are: #1) Adultery. Mt.19:9 #2) Violence. Mal.2:16 #3) Married to an unbeliever who wants out. 1Cor.7:15 #½) Any other reason is not an excuse – be reconciled back to your spouse. 1Cor.7:10-11. Pastor Dave has a mini book in PDF format that is free for download. There also used to be a audio titled “Children #1 to God in divorce” but I’m unable to find it online (I have it on my PC). Wherein he covers in detail these 3 ½ reasons.

Thirdly, from the passage in 1Cor.7 I gather that if a couple is divorced for the ½ reason and then one of the people marry someone else, the other person is free (as the other has committed adultery possibly through ignorance). And my take is that they could marry one another again if divorced for reasons 1-3 by the second spouse. (This gets confusing when referring to people by pronouns. Let me simplify: #1&2 divorce, #2 marries #3. #3 has an affair and is unwilling to repent. #2&3 divorce. #1&2 could remarry.)

Fourthly, not everyone learns a lesson from their life automatically. Some "stuff their heads in the sand" through denial that they had any part to play in the outcome. Some want to blame the other. But as you said, Pamela, every one has something or had something that they contributed. Whether or not what was contributed would have “caused” the divorce by merit of itself is not room for excuse, but neither is it room for condemnation.
A teachable person will try to learn from what took place and make adjustments in their own life to help prevent the same thing from happening again in the future. Granted, that IS no guarantee, because it takes a commitment of both persons for success. And people can change over time.
We are told to marry “in Christ” – a believer. And it makes sense to find someone who is closer aligned to what you believe i.e. praying in the spirit, financial responsibility, discipline of children, etc. “How can two walk together unless they be agreed?” Even though someone is led by the Spirit they may “fail”. Hosea was led by the Spirit to marry a whore. She ran off on him three times. His marriage did not “succeed”. Now I know that’s a wild example, but my point is that God gives us such wide boundaries to operate in within His grace that for many things (what place we chose to work, where we chose to live, etc) …that for many of these things he leaves the decisions up to us.

The last point I want for now is this: be aware that a person who has walked through divorce could lean one of two ways. 1) they could have such a hatred for divorce that they are determined to stay married – fight for the relationship – do what it takes to make it work, making them a better partner because of their experience. Or 2) be less tolerant and come to a quicker decision to divorce again “because it’s not a big deal. I’ve been through it before.” And that is an attitude that I hope would set off warning flags.

Pastor Dave relates the times he knew someone was in his life to “stab him in the back”, but proceeded with the relationship anyway in hope of planting within the person the seed the Holy Spirit needed to help break them free at some point in time. We can develop that level of discernment, but may not be there yet. So we may not have the discernment about where a person is concerning relationships even though we hear the words out of their mouths.

The decision I’ve made at this time is if it is in my heart to proceed with the online thing, I will. Until then I’m at peace with enjoying who I am, who I’m around and the interaction I have with those around me.

~ I prove my love for God by how I love those around me. ~

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Permalink Reply by Charles Atkinson on April 30, 2009 at 12:03pm

By request I'm appending the contents of a PM to this discussion:

"As you said, He will give us the gift of celibacy for a season and when we want, He will remove it from us when we desire to marry.

"What is cool is that process works for all the promises and gifts. We qualify ourselves through faith. If we want a gift, since the word says “all the promises are yes and amen,” we can have them. Even with the gifts of the Spirit (even though they are “as he wills” 1Cor.12:11) when we make ourselves available, he will use us in them at his time of choosing.

"But any promise that’s generally ours as inheritance – just like Salvation, the Baptism in the Spirit - praying in tongues, provision – it’s ours when we want it (I can pray when I want to). I am re-saying all this which I figure you know just for clarity’s sake for the connection I’m fixing to make.

"Healing is generally ours. And we can have it when we want to. That’s why Pastor Dave says “If we can believe for it, we can receive it." (I appreciate Doug's suggestion for claiming a peaceful presence in a new home, and I want to use it for an example.) If I were moving into a new place I personally wouldn’t do confession that my new place is free of demonic presence because I already believe I have the right to a home free of demonic residue. (I see confession as preaching to myself till faith arises in my heart so I can posses what He says is already mine. Whereas Declaration or Proclamation is different. If I got to a home where I sensed a bad presence (I've lived in a place like that.) I would take authority – begin to do warfare, and start commanding the clearing out of the enemy troops. This might be one and the same with confession to some folk.)

"The point is, once I want it (the desire of my heart vs. my head or will) I WILL have it. Now with my knee, I am working to build the desire in my heart for healing. I know (mentally) it’s mine. But its not in my heart yet.

"Oh! and yes, I have had the gift of celibacy (not by a formal prayer/petition), but have the grace as a result of it being a desire of my heart. There will come a time soon that I will set it aside. (I suspect in a couple years.)"

Additionally I want to say, I have seen this process work for many things. I had the desire in my heart; there was no formal request for it and even without speaking the desire with my lips; and soon after, received what it was I desired. I simply had the peace inside that IT was mine.

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